


And, the things left behind

by berryboys



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Summer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 13:31:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10361544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berryboys/pseuds/berryboys
Summary: He doesn’t want to leave without knowing how it would be to have Taeyong between his arms, or if Taeyong could, one day, love him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4Hriv4q3N0), which I recommend to listen to while reading ;)

There’s a turning point in Youngho’s life once he hits seventeen.

It’s the summer before the last year of high school, one of the scariest summers Youngho has gone through in his life. It’s that period in which, when he spends a whole day with Jaehyun or Taeyong or Yuta, when the laughter dies and there aren’t more superficial thoughts in Youngho’s mind, he wonders if they will see each other again once high school is over. Youngho usually feels guilty for doubting, because that’s not what someone his age is supposed to believe. He’s supposed to trust that their friendship will survive after everyone chooses a different path, after some attend university and some find a job, but he doesn’t.

Youngho isn’t the type to share his feelings, so he never mentions what troubles him. It’s still noticeable that something is going on with him, judging the way Jaehyun glares at him sometimes, like he’s warning him not to ruin the mood.

The thing about summer is that Ten’s house becomes their house by default, which makes sense taking into account that his parents rarely are there and his sister is quite tolerant with the invasion. It helps that Ten’s house is so big that they can sleep over if they want, though they have to share rooms in pairs. Thus, when Youngho is overwhelmed by those disturbing thoughts and prefers not to wreck the atmosphere, he excuses himself saying he needs a nap. Most of the time he does use that time for a nap, but other times he just chooses a book from Ten’s library – which he never touches, it’s just decoration – and spends a couple of hours in his own world.

Today is one of these days, because Yuta and Ten are being too loud and, surrounded by that chaos, Youngho realizes he’s going to miss them. And then bit by bit he’s being swallowed by that sentiment, and he needs a moment for himself, away from the teasing and the way Taeyong’s eyes sparkle at Yuta’s jokes. Youngho picks a random room and by the time he wakes up, it’s getting dark outside. There isn’t laughter coming through the window, which means his friends are inside the house instead, and Youngho thinks he’s ready to deal with them again.

When Youngho leaves the room, he runs into Mark first, who startles for no apparent reason as soon as Youngho steps into the hall. Youngho supposes he has just come out from the bathrooms, but his stance doesn’t hint the same; the way he withdraws from the bathroom suggests he has been standing there, waiting for something. The door of the bathroom is open, barely by the size of a hand, and Mark’s cheeks are tinted with an intense red Youngho has never seen on his face. Sure, Mark is a shy kid, but he usually hides it pretty well.

“Ten was looking for you,” Mark explains, almost stuttering, but his hesitation makes clear that he wasn’t on the second floor to rescue Youngho from his solitude. He avoids his eyes, slowly distancing himself, and mutters, “They’re making dinner.”

Youngho merely nods, noticing the odd atmosphere Mark is creating. The boy uses that moment to stride through the hall and, once he thinks Youngho can’t see him anymore, sprint down the stairs. It’s hard for Youngho to shake off the suspicion within, so having a hunch, he ponders for a second before walking towards the bathroom.

What he sees, who he sees, is both surprising and expected. It’s Taeyong inside, and from this angle, the only way to spot him is looking at the mirror’s reflection. He has a towel around his waist, which doesn’t shock Youngho that much — his swim trucks cover less skin, anyway — and he’s drying his hair with a smaller towel, completely oblivious of anything that it isn’t his routine. He looks peaceful, however, this way. He’s not that Taeyong that worries about silly things, or tries to take care of his friends excessively, or laughs so hard that he falls off chairs and couches.

It takes Youngho a few seconds to process what Mark was doing there, peeking into the bathroom. And when he understands, with his eyes stuck on Taeyong’s image on the mirror, he’s invaded by a foreign feeling, warmth spreading everywhere like there’s a ball of fire in his stomach. It’s powerful, but it’s scary as well, and Youngho isn’t ready. He doesn’t last long there, watching his closest friend in his most vulnerable version, and nearly runs the path Mark ran just minutes ago.

Youngho finally sees Taeyong as a man, even if it’s through Mark’s eyes, and that’s the turning point for him.

 

 

 

“I swear to god, you’re annoying me,” Jaehyun spits at him days later, out of the blue.

It’s Mark’s birthday, and after playing rock, scissors, paper, Jaehyun and Youngho were chosen to buy groceries for the party. They’re supposed to pretend it’s an innocent party, suitable for minors, but Youngho still feels very silly buying orange juice and actually discussing with Jaehyun which brand to buy. Everyone knows Ten and Yuta will be waiting for Ten’s sister to leave so that they can fetch the alcohol from his parents’ stash.

“What am I even doing?” Youngho protests, very confused.

“Pulling sad faces for days straight,” Jaehyun retorts, and snatches the juice bottle from his hands. “If you have problems, share them. If you don’t have problems, I’m going to give you some unless you stop being an idiot.”

It’s an interesting offer, because no one ever directly tells Youngho to speak about his problems. And there’s a casual tone in Jaehyun’s voice, as if he’s not expecting his friend to follow his advice - Youngho often ignores him and his ideas, in fact. However, this time he muses about it, biting on his lower lip, eyebrows scrunched in a frown, and by the time Jaehyun is grabbing a different juice bottle to throw it into the basket, Youngho has taken a decision.

“I think I want to kiss Taeyong.”

It takes Jaehyun by surprise: the bottle he is holding slips out of his grasp, but luckily, it’s made of plastic, not glass. The noise still causes a ruckus, and Jaehyun profusely apologizes to other customers who don’t even care. Jaehyun has always been a weirdo anyway, in Youngho’s opinion, so he’s used to his strange behaviour.

“Youngho, we agreed not to get drunk before the party,” he accuses, inspecting Youngho’s expression like he’s going to betray himself any moment.

Said boy just blinks at him, nervous, wondering if he should have stayed silent and alone with his problems. “I’m serious,” Youngho insists in the end, and when Jaehyun just glares at him, he displays his best insulted expression.

“Fuck, don’t do this to me!” Jaehyun childishly whines, hugging the juice in frustration. “You know I’m a bad drunk, I can’t get drunk tonight or I’ll tell Taeyong about this.”

“Ha,” Youngho breathes out, though his voice comes out shaky and, to be honest, he’s beyond scared because he’s not ready to reveal such a recent discovery. “I will end your life if you do.”

 

 

 

Youngho has never liked anyone, despite his seventeen years of life, even if he had plenty of time for it and a simple life. He can appreciate people’s beauty, and indeed, sometimes he catches himself looking at Yuta’s face and thinking that there’s a pleasing balance in it. He hasn’t allowed himself to inspect Taeyong’s face, however, maybe because Youngho has known him for too long and other persons already admired Taeyong by his looks pretty often. Youngho knows he’s stunning, understands why he attracts so many people, but he doesn’t dwell on it.

Yet it’s not like that anymore. He’s aware why his thoughts begin to shift: the fact that someone among their friends is interested in Taeyong sexually or romantically disturbs his peace. All of a sudden Youngho realizes that means Taeyong might have this type of feelings too, might have had sex or let other boys touch him - he has had enough opportunities, that’s for sure. Youngho remembers Mark’s face, his red cheeks, how he looked like he was committing a crime. But Youngho remembers what he himself felt within too, as though a part of him understood Mark too well to expose his secret.

 

 

 

Taeyong falls on Youngho’s lap around midnight. He’s not very drunk, at least if Youngho compares him to Ten, who is currently trying to walk upstairs but is failing to even set his foot on the first step. But Taeyong is a bit tipsy, flushed cheeks and a silly smile on his lips, and Youngho thinks there’s something endearing about seeing Taeyong like this – not the responsible boy he usually is, but the young, carefree one he should be.

Youngho doesn’t tell him anything. Taeyong just plops down on the couch next to him, and then slants sideways until his head is resting on Youngho’s thigh, a hand slipping under like he’s holding a pillow.

“Are you okay?” Youngho murmurs, not sure if Taeyong is conscious enough to have a conversation right now.

After ten long seconds, Taeyong makes a contented noise and replies, “Yeah.” And then, nuzzling Youngho’s thigh until he finds the perfect position, he adds, “Pet me.”

Youngho observes Taeyong’s profile, his soft nose and lips yet the sharpness of his jaw, and realizes there’s nothing he wants to do more than touch him. Every inch of his small face would fit in Youngho’s hand, so would his lips against his. Still, it’s an odd request, and as Youngho spreads his fingers and threads them in Taeyong’s hair, he wonders why Taeyong would choose him for this. He’s clumsy, bad at skinship and, as Ten always reminds him, his body seems to be emitting heat all the time.

He starts with caressing Taeyong’s hair, not daring to do more, but when Taeyong closes his eyes, all his fear fades away. He grazes Taeyong’s cheek with his fingertips, so softly that Taeyong might have not felt it; and then his eyebrows, his eyelids, and his tiny, curved eyelashes. When Youngho reaches his nose, tracing the path to the tip, Taeyong smiles under his touch.

 

 

 

“I didn’t tell him anything,” Jaehyun assures the next morning, much to his own disgrace, with a very sober mind. They have left Ten’s house just minutes ago, after trying to wake him up without success. The rest of the boys were too wasted to go back home, except Mark, but Jaehyun decided that Mark would be the responsible for taking care of others. In the end, Youngho and Jaehyun ran away before they could be stopped. “Maybe he has a detector for horniness and you were making it beep.”

Youngho can’t help but groan. “You’re gross. The only thing I said is that I _think_ I want to kiss him.”

His friend hums in acknowledgment, but with an expression on his face that shows his real thoughts. Jaehyun is probably the only one who vaguely remembers that Youngho and Taeyong were alone in the couch during that nonsensical moment of the night. Youngho can’t understand why Taeyong, who usually clings to the younger ones, would change his mind and conclude that Youngho is a better partner for the cuddles. It shouldn’t be that surprising, really, because Taeyong has that loving nature and likes expressing himself through acts. Maybe it was special only for Youngho.

 

 

 

Youngho is seventeen, and that’s the worst part about summer. He feels he should be growing up, like the clock is ticking and by the time he reaches eighteen, he shouldn’t be a boy anymore, but a man. Yet, because the universe is tricky, that summer he travels back in time and he’s not even seventeen anymore. He’s that eight-year-old who was curious about holding hands with boys, except this time it’s about Taeyong and his lips, and it’s not that innocent. And just like when he was a kid, he’s not very discreet about it now either. He stares at Taeyong, admires his features until the other notices, both confused and flustered, and Youngho looks away with his heart racing in his chest.

The only thing Youngho knows is that, if they’re going to choose different paths after high school, he doesn’t want to leave without kissing Taeyong first. He doesn’t want to leave without knowing how it would be to have Taeyong between his arms, or if Taeyong could, one day, love him.

 

 

 

“I can’t believe you’re finally making eyes back at Taeyong.”

Ten’s words pull Youngho out of his daze, though there’s not teasing in his tone. Ten isn’t making fun of him, perhaps because Youngho was indeed staring at Taeyong, who is with Jaehyun at the counter asking for their smoothies. Youngho doesn’t like sweet things that much, but coming to the café was Taeyong’s idea and he didn’t have the heart to reject him.

Besides, Taeyong looks especially pretty today, with his dark hair out of his face, and Youngho can’t stop looking into his eyes. He even dressed up a bit, and Youngho doesn’t want to suppose it was on purpose, just like he doesn’t want to suppose anything from the way Taeyong smiles at him today, coy and restless.

“What?” Youngho dumbly replies.

“It took you two years. Poor Taeyong. A victim of your chastity,” Ten sighs, like it’s the most dramatic story ever. He checks on Taeyong and Jaehyun for a second, pensive, and then licks his lips and announces, “Let me do my magic.”

When Taeyong and Jaehyun arrive at their table with the smoothies, Youngho already senses something will go wrong. Taeyong sits in front of him, no exceptional signs in his behavior, and continues the conversation he was having with Jaehyun. Youngho isn’t sure of what he’s expecting from Taeyong. This is just another normal day, except because it’s only four of them and, well, Jaehyun and Ten fuck around sometimes with each other.

However, Taeyong’s calmness evaporates the moment Ten opens his mouth and says, “Hey, Youngho and me were thinking that we could go on a double date.”

It’s not easy to process these words at first, and Youngho is only able to stare at Taeyong to watch his reaction. His friend, who was sipping on his smoothie, is petrified, looking at Ten with a hint of panic in his eyes. Meanwhile, Jaehyun just smiles, “Cool! When?”

Youngho opts for focusing his attention on his own smoothie, quite disappointed. This is why Ten should consult him before divulging his crazy ideas: going on a date with Taeyong when he’s not comfortable with it can cause a disaster. Maybe to not make the situation awkward, none of them complain as Jaehyun and Ten come up with plans, and Youngho avoids Taeyong’s eyes all the time they’re at the cafe.

 

 

 

When they’re walking home, Taeyong carefully grabs his wrist, trying to make Youngho walk slower. The way Taeyong touches him is full of insecurity, and that’s not the boy Youngho knows; Taeyong is the one who protects the rest, who gives them advice and encourages them when they’re not brave enough. Having lost that, Youngho tries not to worry, but it’s impossible not to when he turns to glance at Taeyong and he finds his sad eyes on him.

“We don’t have to go on a date if you don’t want to,” Taeyong says, very softly, almost like he fears to be heard. It doesn’t help that he has to look up due to the height difference: that just makes him more pitiful, makes him tinier than he is. Youngho doesn’t know what to answer, which is clearly not a good thing, because Taeyong adds, “Or if you don’t like me. It’s okay, really.”

Even if Youngho didn’t feel anything for Taeyong, he wouldn’t be able to reject him. It’s true he’s beyond confused, because it’s not easy to, all of a sudden, develop something that he doesn’t understand, something that he shouldn’t feel towards a friend. He has known Taeyong for years, and his friend’s personality and looks have always been the same. Maybe Taeyong has matured a bit, and that’s all. There shouldn’t be a reason for Youngho’s heart to change, but it has happened either way. It’s now when he begins to notice small details, like how bright Taeyong’s eyes are, how safe he feels around him, or the fact that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do without him. What he’s going to do in college, without Taeyong, maybe communicating through calls or texts, or visiting once every semester. Just the thought of it creates a knot in his chest.

“It’s not that,” Youngho mutters. _I don’t want this to end_ , he means to explain. But there is evident fright in Taeyong’s expression, so instead, he continues with, “I’m just… Nervous. Never had a date.”

Though Taeyong doesn’t seem to be too convinced, he nods.

 

 

 

It’s just days later, when Youngho is napping in Ten’s bedroom once again, that he notes how the bed dips under someone’s weight. Since he’s half asleep, it takes him a while to understand that someone is curling up next to him, taking up the free space. Much to his own surprise, he recognizes the scent before even opening his eyes, and when he discovers Taeyong’s little face in front of him, his heart hammers so hard that he hears the heartbeat in his head.

Taeyong has his eyes closed, though he’s awake, and Youngho intuits what he has to do. Taeyong is close enough to his chest, so Youngho only has to set a hand against his back for him to finally lean his forehead against Youngho’s collarbone. However, he isn’t sure of what to do with his other hand, which awkwardly lands on the top of Taeyong’s head. It’s evident he’s not used to cuddle boys, but he isn’t expecting Taeyong to laugh at it, drowning the sound against Youngho’s t-shirt.

“You’re not supposed to do it like that,” Taeyong tells him, amusement in his voice.

Youngho is grateful Taeyong can’t see his face right now, because judging by how hot the world becomes in that moment, his cheeks must be burning red. He attempts to save his pride and replies, “Ah, is the expert going to teach me?”

“Does the noob want to learn?” Taeyong fights back.

Youngho’s answer dies in his throat as Taeyong guides his hand under his neck, so that Taeyong is resting on his arm and Youngho can pet the back of his head. He does just that, caressing Taeyong’s hair, stroking his back and feeling his backbone under his fingertips.

“If it’s you teaching me,” Youngho jokes, and although Taeyong squirms over his arm, Youngho catches an almost indiscernible scoff coming out from his mouth. “I’ll be a good student.”

This time Taeyong doesn’t mock him, even if it would be easy. Youngho isn’t a good student in general, learns too slowly and is rarely interested, but he reckons that doesn’t matter much in this situation. Taeyong is nice enough to deal with his clumsiness, to find it endearing even; and perhaps Youngho should act more mature and shouldn’t let Taeyong baby him, but that’s not who he is. If Taeyong likes him now, that means he isn’t bothered by all his flaws. It’s that thought what fills Youngho, more than having Taeyong pressed against him, falling asleep.

Somehow, Youngho knows this isn’t the last time it will happen.

 

 

 

Taeyong proposes him to ditch Jaehyun and Ten. It’s the natural course of the relationship, because they don’t need their friends’ support, considering they can cuddle and sleep against each other without trouble. They don’t talk much, but that’s usual for them. Taeyong isn’t very talkative, has never been, and though Youngho is the opposite, he finds that he doesn’t need words to communicate with Taeyong. It’s not only when they’re alone, however, because sometimes Taeyong glances at him across the room, while they’re surrounded by their friends, and Youngho instantly understands what’s on his mind.

“We don’t need to go on a date with them,” Taeyong states matter-of-factly, right the day before said plan. Given that they have spent the whole day at Youngho’s house, without anyone else bothering them, such affirmation makes a lot of sense. “I think they need it more, actually.”

Oblivious, Youngho tilts his head sideways, “Why would they?”

Taeyong sighs, but there’s no exasperation in his face. Still, the corners of his mouth curve up a bit and he does his best to repress his smile, like a child trying to not get caught after a mischief. Youngho ignores what’s so funny, but he forgets to ask as soon as Taeyong leans his head against his shoulder, and takes his hand to press a kiss on the back of it. “It doesn’t matter,” the boy whispers.

And it really doesn’t.

 

 

 

Youngho can’t tell the exact moment he falls in love with Taeyong. He can’t tell if he already was. It doesn’t happen out of the blue, but day by day, as Taeyong nuzzles his neck, or laughs at his stupid jokes, or tells him cheesy lines in a whisper. Taeyong isn’t perfect, Youngho is aware of that, but he doesn’t mind. Sometimes he gets upset at him because Youngho isn’t sensible enough, or because he’s too sincere with the younger ones, yet in the end of the day Taeyong decides to talk to him instead of sulking and getting angry at him.

Taeyong kisses him one night of July, in Ten’s backyard, when there’s no one around. Youngho can hear the laughter coming from inside, and as Taeyong tiptoes to press a sweet, short kiss on his lips, he realizes it’s better this way. This way, it belongs to them. They don’t need to flaunt it, they don’t need to go fast and act like other couples do; Youngho and Taeyong are simple, because that’s how love is supposed to be.

They don’t tell anyone about what they have, whatever that is, though his friends are smart enough to figure out. Youngho notices it in certain gestures, like Mark not being able to look at Taeyong like he did before, with bright eyes and a blush in his cheeks. Youngho wonders if Mark loves Taeyong more than he could ever love him, but he guesses first loves are just that special, more when one is still very young. Taeyong is Youngho’s first love too, yet they’re not that young, and they don’t have that much time.

 

 

 

“I want to promise you something,” Taeyong mutters on the last night of the summer.

When Youngho stares at him, he finds Taeyong with his eyes fixed on Jaehyun and Ten, who are in the swimming pool. In the darkness, they’re just two dark figures playing to drown each other, yet Youngho can distinguish them kissing from time to time, Ten clinging onto Jaehyun because he doesn’t reach the floor of the pool. Despite looking at his friends, Taeyong isn’t paying attention to them; his mind is elsewhere, and Youngho reaches for his hand to bring him back to reality.

“Don’t,” Youngho replies. “Because I will wait for you, if you ask. But I don’t want to make you wait for me.”

That doesn’t sit well with Taeyong, who simply expresses it with a small frown. He squeezes Youngho’s hand, though, as to tell him that he understands where he’s going. They have discussed it before, since Taeyong has dreams and aims and Youngho wishes he would pursue them without worrying about him.

Taeyong releases a shaky breath, but firmly says, “I love you.”

These are words that Youngho doesn’t yearn to hear, because both of them know why Taeyong is choosing this moment for it. Youngho refuses to call it fear. If they had been afraid of the outcome, they would have never let each other in. These words are unnecessary, yes, but Youngho needs to receive them. And Taeyong is cheating, having found the only way Youngho can’t elude that tiny promise Taeyong wants to make.

The boy grins at him, sparkling, expecting eyes, and Youngho can’t help but snicker. Even when it’s a serious matter, Taeyong manages to get a laugh out of him without even trying. It’s not even funny, but there’s something ridiculous about how Taeyong trusts him, trusts them so much that he doesn’t imagine they don’t have a future together.

“I love you too,” Youngho admits, and suddenly he feels light, free. Taeyong smiles one last time before leaning in for a kiss.

 

 

 

“Do you think Taeyong is serious about me?”

When Ten turns around to stare at him, mouth hanging open, it becomes evident he shouldn’t have asked. Ten is both surprised and, Youngho can tell, a bit upset too, almost like those doubts are directed towards himself instead of Taeyong.

It’s not the best moment to adress it, especially because Ten’s sister keeps walking into the living room to check on them, eyes narrowed like she suspects they’re plotting something, but Youngho can’t bite back his thoughts anymore. It has passed a long time since Youngho has been alone with Ten, given that they have a big group of friends, yet with the end of the holidays approaching, everyone is busy. Which means it’s the _only_ moment for Youngho to speak about it. Yuta and Jaehyun are studying for their remedial tests, while Mark left the city for a family meeting and Taeyong scored a part-time job that kidnaps him in the afternoons. Youngho isn’t that happy about it, for that drastically decreases their time together, but Taeyong needs the money and he doesn’t want to give him more trouble.

“What makes you think he isn’t, exactly?” Ten says with a frown on his face.

Youngho isn’t certain. It’s one of those feelings, that with his emotional inability, he can’t interpret. Taeyong hasn’t given him any reason for him to question their relationship, but sometimes Youngho doesn’t know if he’s assuming Taeyong loves him just because that’s what he _wishes_.

“He’s hard to understand,” Youngho replies, even if that’s not what he means. Feelings, in general, are hard to understand for him, not Taeyong himself.

“Taeyong isn’t hard to understand at all. You’re projecting,” Ten chides him, although he puts a hand on his shoulder to console him. “And he has been after your ass for two years, there’s no way someone with that patience wouldn’t be serious.”

“How do you know?” Youngho insists, and when Ten sends him a confused expression, he explains, “I mean, look at you and Jaehyun, what are you?”

Youngho regrets the question immediately, because Ten looks very uncomfortable as he shrugs, “We’re something, but we aren’t going to label it. We don’t want to get too attached and ruin everything else.”

Even though Jaehyun and Ten have always been a complicated matter within the group, Ten’s words only puzzle Youngho further. “What does that even mean?”

Ten falls silent for several seconds, averting his gaze, tense. Youngho concedes him some time to think, because truth to be told, Ten doesn’t sound that confident about his own statements.

“I don’t want to meet Jaehyun after ten years and think of him as my ex-boyfriend,” Ten mutters in the end, and it’s then, when his friend voices out all the fears Youngho has been having the whole summer, that his world crumbles down. Because even if Ten still has two years left to graduate, he’s being eaten by the same insecurities: that they will forget each other, that they will grow into different persons, and one day, when they reunite, they might not be able to recognize the young boys they knew back in high school. “I want to think of him as my first love, and my friend.”

 

 

 

There’s a turning point in Youngho’s life when he’s eighteen. Taeyong leaves for college, and Youngho stays behind, left with a promise and the memory of a boy’s smile on a summer night.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this was D: Someone sent me a prompt about jonhyong cuddling and this happened, barely any cuddling lmao I'm sorry
> 
> [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/berryboys)  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/renjucas)  
> My other account [berryboys](http://archiveofourown.org/users/berryboys)  
> 


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